3rd Graders across America are Getting Stuck in Playground Slides
Who’s to Blame?
What started as a freak accident in a small elementary school in Alabama is now becoming a serious safety hazard for today’s youth. Incidents of kids being stuck in slides has now been reported in 37 states. Although many times the kids can escape with only minor injuries, it has left 13 students hospitalized and in critical condition. Doctors are saying the symptoms are like nothing they have ever seen. An ER surgeon at the meo clinic stated that “this problem is getting to big too fast and needs to be addressed at the federal level”. Sources say that Obama has been meeting with homeland security in an effort to resolve this so called attack on our youth.
Discussions and speculations have broken out across America about who is to blame for this unprecedented problem. It appears that either slides have been getting smaller or children have been getting fatter. The CEO of “Slides R Us” (the leading producer of slides in America) made a public statement yesterday “we have been making slides the same for over 70 years. This has never been a problem and it is the fault of the fast food companies for fattening our youth”. However, “Slides R Us” production was outsourced to china last year. After investigation it has been discovered that the company has been slowly shrinking the diameter of their slides by 1mm a year to reduce product costs. Furthermore like all plastic products coming from China that are for our children, lead has been found. Usually this wouldn’t be a problem because kids would just be in contact with the lead for a short period of time but this is no longer the case. Before further actions can be made recess has officially been suspended in America.
A thesis paper has surfaced, written by Morgan Spurlock, for his anti-McDonalds doctorate. He hypothesized that someday America would face this problem. Here is an excerpt from the paper
“ one big mac at a time our youth will get fatter and fatter until someday they won’t
be able to perform typical children activities. I predict one day a particularly large kid
will come out to recess after eating some McDonalds for lunch and much to his surprise
he will become the first “playground plug”. Fully plugging the slide and becoming
completely immobile. People won’t know what know what to do and in a matter of
months playground plugs will be in every slide in America.”
Morgan is currently at the white house working to pass a bill that will shut down all McDonalds. It appears the bill will pass soon because the country is united on the playground plug issue. Unfortunately the CEO of McDonalds has just stated that if the bill is brought to vote, they will immediately terminate their supply of French Fry grease to elementary schools, which at this point is the only substance that has been found to successfully free playground plugs from their slides. The country is trapped in a Catch-22 and McDonalds is having the last laugh.
The Nation doesn’t know what to do. Recess has been cancelled for two weeks and 50% of America’s youth has thus lost their only daily exercise. Toys R Us has filed for bankruptcy and the Government is in too much debt to bail them out and to recall the slides in America. Morgan has fled to Canada and advises others to do so, as he expects things to only get worse.
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